she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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