I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
