I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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