1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
