i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
