Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The struggles of a small town man whore
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
