There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
