no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
