my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
