at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
