Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
