I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
