And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
