My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
