does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
