I faked an abortion last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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