Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
