All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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