Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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