i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
