No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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