I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
