I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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