so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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