She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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