I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
