i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
