I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
