Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
