i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
