I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
