In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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