My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
