I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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