True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
