Moan for me like Helen Keller
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
