I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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