Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
