they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
