You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
