I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
