just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
and you fell through a lawn chair
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
