Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
