after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
