I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
