i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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