remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
either way he was missing a nipple.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
3 2 1 whiskey
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
