Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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