I accidentally had phone sex last night
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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