I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
