i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wear drunk well.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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