sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
