He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
